


Denver Dreaming

by Sangerin



Series: Denver Collection [1]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Denver Janeway, F/M, Sappy, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-06-01
Updated: 1999-06-01
Packaged: 2017-10-03 10:29:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sangerin/pseuds/Sangerin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's by far the hardest thing I've ever done/to be so in love with you, and so alone (Follow Me - John Denver)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Denver Dreaming

**Author's Note:**

> Song lyrics are by John Denver, excerpted from "Follow Me," "Rhymes and Reasons," and "Poems, Prayers and Promises."
> 
> Fannish juvenalia: reading not particularly recommended.

It's by far the hardest thing I've ever done  
To be so in love with you, and so alone.

Follow me where I go,  
What I do and who I know.  
Make it part of you to be a part of me.  
Follow me up and down, all the way and all around  
Take my hand and say you'll follow me.

~*~

I sit alone in my quarters far more than I ought to. It has become a habit - a comfort. Ever since we - since Kathryn and I came back from New Earth, solitude has been more comfortable than company. I avoid the Mess Hall, the resort program, B'Elanna, all my friends - in order, simply, to avoid her.

It's not as though I'm likely to run into her, though. She seems to be avoiding people as much as I am. She's probably avoiding me.

It has been so hard, these weeks since we came back. Tiptoeing around each other, unable to treat her in the same friendly way that I had down on the planet. Unable, because she wouldn't treat me in that way. So, it was first back to 'Captain', and now we hardly speak.

But it isn't because I don't love her. I do - I love her more than ever. But being near her hurts more than ever, now, because she doesn't love me. We were so close, and then Tuvok called us back, and Kathryn pulled back.

Being back on Voyager has been awkward for me too. I was prepared to live alone on New Earth with her forever. In some ways, in most ways, it was like a dream. And then, coming back here, surrounded by over one hundred people again. It seemed as though there was no privacy any more, as though everyone could read my thoughts. So I forced myself to stop thinking of her when others were around. It is better when there are no others around, and so I stay away.

I stay alone, and I dream.

~*~

So you speak to me of sadness  
And the coming of the winter  
The fear that is within you now  
That seems to never end  
And the dreams that have escaped you  
And a hope that you've forgotten  
And you tell me that you need me now  
And you want to be my friend  
And you wonder where we're going  
Where's the rhyme and where's the reason?  
And it's you cannot accept  
It is here we must begin

~*~

Dinner in her quarters, coffee in her readyroom, time in the Holodeck. We spend so much time together now. Time as friends, time of conversation, giving support. I sit and listen to her, she talks, and I try to help.

She will never be alone.

But in a way, I still am. There is very little that she does for me, I do everything for her. I've lived up to the promise I made - to look after her, to take the weight from her shoulders. And I begin to tire of this.

But it has been wonderful, too. After a lot of effort, and a bit of stress, that friendship we had on New Earth came back - equal, accepting, comfortable. And maybe, if it had stayed that way, I could have been content with that. It would have taken a long time, but I could have been content eventually.

But it didn't stay that way. It didn't stay equal. Now I feel like I'm doing all the giving, she all the taking. I give her so much support, I listen to her worries, give her advice. And yet, she never has the time to listen to me. To hear my concerns, my dreams for our future. Those, she doesn't want to hear, I know. She doesn't want to think any further than now - for Voyager, or for us.

And yet, despite it all - I cannot stop loving her. I've tried so hard, but it has never worked. I could no more stop loving Kathryn than I could stop breathing. But to be beside her every day, knowing how she feels, how she doesn't feel, is killing me.

How can you cut out your heart and still go on living? Only by dreaming.

~*~

You see, I'd like to share my life with you  
And show you things I've seen  
Places that I'm going to  
Places where I've been  
To have you there beside me  
And never be alone  
And all the time that you're with me  
We will be at home.

~*~

When she sleeps, she sleeps so peacefully. Lying in our bed, sleeping in my arms. And for the first time in so long, I am content. I lie awake, watching her as she sleeps, and I thank whatever great powers there are for giving me this gift.

She is such a gift to me, and when she finally gave something back, she gave wholeheartedly. It was simply a kiss on the cheek, after a pleasant evening. And, without my even noticing, our lips were touching, and we were kissing each other. There wasn't me, and there wasn't her. There was only us - together.

And the ship didn't fall apart - the stars didn't change their course - the crew didn't mutiny. In fact, they were pleased, as I had been sure they would be. And now, each night, we go to the same quarters.

Finally now, with me, she relaxes. She lets the cares of the ship go, she stops worrying about when we will get home. And with me, she is herself. She can finally laugh, and finally let go. For her, this is healthy - and for me, too. Finally, we do share everything. She listens to my concerns, and tells me that I will never be alone.

And, in the end, it seems so simple. We are together, every day, and every night. And together, we dream of the future.

~*~

The days they pass so quickly now  
The nights are seldom long  
Time around me whispers when it's cold  
The changes somehow frighten me  
Still, I have to smile  
It turns me on to think of growing old  
For tho' my life's been good to me  
There's still so much to do  
So many things my mind has never known  
I'd like to raise a family  
I'd like to sail away  
And dance across the mountains on the moon.

~*~

I stand in front of the viewport, rocking my daughter to sleep. Kathryn, as always, needs her sleep. But she needs it more now than ever - tomorrow, we will be home. She will have to face the public, the media, and Starfleet. She needs all the rest she can get.

We have been out here for so many years, and I'm not sure that I want to be back. But Kathryn is elated, when she has time to think about it. And I understand. She wants Denver to know her grandmother and her aunt, she wants to see the rest of the crew happy and back with their families. And, if my Kathryn is happy, then I am too.

These past years have been years of joy for me, and I look forward to the future. Whether we live on a planet, or on a ship, whether I stay in Starfleet, or resign, there is so much left in my life. Now, I have a family to care for, for the first time in years. My beautiful Kathryn, and my darling Denver.

And my life is a dream.


End file.
